‘Bad sex? I can’t be shagged’: Anniki Sommerville on embracing sexless marriage

‘I dread it when I know it’s that time, but it’s probably best to get it over with, right?’ a friend tells me, grimacing, as she gets into the car. We’re off to a big 50th birthday together. What’s she talking about? A dentist appointment? A first date? No, she’s talking about the three-monthly ‘maintenance shag’ that is on her to-do list this week.

I have friends who very much buy into the maintenance shag – which roughly translates as the act of shagging to maintain the intimacy and bonding in a relationship, even when one or both of you aren’t up for it. Their belief is that it’s better to have sex (even if it’s crap sex) than not to have sex at all.

As a culture, it feels like we’re obsessed with how much we’re shagging, how many times a week, what is ‘normal’ in terms of averages (when I Googled it, it said once a week, but that sounds like a lot). But what if you don’t have sex any more? I’ve been with my partner for more than 25 years and I’ve been pretty open about the fact that we don’t sleep together any more. I mean we do sleep together in the same bed. We cuddle. We hug. We hold hands sometimes. We just don’t have sex.

For a long time, I felt bad about us not shagging. I felt a lot of shame and like everyone else was madly having wild sex and I was missing out. Then I started writing about it and I got hundreds of messages from other women who were like, ‘THANK GOD YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT THIS! I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE!’

Sexless marriages definitely aren’t talked about enough. The main assumption seems to be that it’s a problem, that it needs resolving, that sexy underwear must be purchased and date nights co-ordinated immediately to get the shagging to commence again. On TV shows, we’re also fed the idea that long-term couples are always one step away from having sex. They’re permanently aroused when in each other’s company. They’re having a chat in the kitchen, chopping veg and then, WHAM, they’re overcome with such a massive wave of desire and they’re suddenly having amazing sex on the kitchen counter (or standing up when they come home from a long day at work).

Well… I’d say it’s fairly rare, in long-term relationships, to have that kind of spontaneous, rip your clothes off sex any more. If you do, then well done, but equally, if you don’t… don’t feel bad about it. There are so many things to feel bad about these days, and not shagging shouldn’t be one of them. What would you prefer anyway? Having a crap shag, one where you’re both tired and not into it, one where you were hoping it’d be over soon, where you’re thinking about that one WhatsApp you have to reply to about the kids netball carpool, or the alternative: not putting that pressure on yourself at all?

After all, there are a multitude of things that can go wrong in relationships. The unequal division of labour around the home. The navigation of getting older and all the reevaluation of your life and priorities. Just parenting is very tiring and exhausting, eating up a massive amount of emotional energy. Looking after elderly parents is another challenge. Then there’s dealing with redundancies and the cost-of-living crisis… Not having sex? It’s fairly low on the list of concerns.

That said, I guess it depends on how important sex is to you in the first place. I remember Boy George once saying that he would ‘rather have a cup of tea than sex’. And I can relate to that (mine is a turmeric latte, please, with oat milk and some cinnamon on top). Shagging is seen as the benchmark of a healthy relationship, but what about a kiss on the neck? Or spooning and falling asleep? Or all the other intimate things couples can do with one another? I love flirting. I could probably get a degree in flirting if I went back to university. I would argue that I also love snogging, though I never do it any more. Just because you don’t shag doesn’t mean you aren’t sexy in other ways. In fact, many are not physically able to have the type of ‘shagging’ we see in films, so have to redefine their sexual relationship with a partner.

The alternative is bleak. I don’t believe that women should be having sex because they feel that they have to, or feeling like it’s part of their feminine duty to do so (or their partner will stray). If your partner is going to look for sex elsewhere, then it’s not just because you didn’t shag him once every three months. Relationships are about connection and, yes, one way to connect is sex, but there are other ways, too.

‘We did it,’ my friend says triumphantly the next day when we catch up to debrief on the party. ‘It wasn’t AWFUL in the end.’ And I guess that’s where the maintenance shag has its benefits – it might start as something that isn’t that appealing, but then becomes something more fun. Like dancing. Or clearing out your sock drawer. Or looking for a hairbrush and finding three under the sofa. Do I miss shagging? Sometimes. Do I miss the bad shags I’ve had in the past? Not so much. Will my relationship change and sex resume? Maybe, but for now I’m not putting too much pressure on it. What will be will be.