Last time we spoke, I had a new beau. I hate to break it to you, but new beau is no more. (I haven’t killed him. No, we decided we could only be friends. Plus, he met someone newer.)
So here I am, on the dating apps and oh boy... It’s a whole new could-be-exciting-should-be-exciting-but-feels-ultimately-depressing world.
If you’re looking for love, you’re probably navigating this strange new world, too. According to data giants Statista, the number of people in the UK using dating apps is 11.3m. But numbers are dropping - according to communications watchdog Ofcom’s 2024 Online Nation report, dating app use is down nearly 16% between 2023 and 2024. Apparently, this may signal changing habits among those born between the mid-1990s and 2010, as: ‘Some analysts speculate that for younger people, particularly Gen Z, the novelty of dating apps is wearing off.’
Which is cool. For them. The rest of us have to keep using the apps, though (even if we, too, were ‘seeking a lower-pressure, more authentic way to find connections’) because our IRL (In Real Life) ways of meeting people are limited. Our peers are coupled-up, so no ‘I have a single friend you should meet’ chat happens. Plus, when was the last time you went out after 9pm? (Not to put the bins out; to actually go to a bar and pick up a handsome stranger?)
So if you find yourself single in 2025 and you’re more Gen Zzz than Gen Z, you’ll definitely have to dabble with the apps. Never fear. I, my Valium and the wonderful sex and relationships expert Annabelle Knight are here to hold your hand and guide you through it.
Create the perfect profile
Have a look at my profile (pictured). It is hil-arr-i-ous. And yet… the best response I’ve had was from a former detective who said it was ‘dangerously interesting’.
What am I doing wrong? ‘Honestly, probably nothing… Except assuming your dating app success is some kind of meritocracy,’ says Annabelle. ‘It’s not. It’s a messy concoction of timing, algorithms and personal tastes. If you’re not getting matches, it’s not that you’re unlovable; it’s just likely your profile isn’t hitting the right tone for the people you want to attract. But this is totally fixable. Think of your bio as an opening line at a party: intriguing, specific and a little flirty.’
She has three key tips: ‘Be specific. “I love music” is dull; “I’ve cried at two Springsteen concerts” is magnetic. Show, don’t tell. Instead of “I’m funny”, write something funny. And keep it light and tight. Too much waffle seems performative and insincere.’
Clichés like ‘Work hard, play hard’ or ‘Don’t take life too seriously’ are out, too – ‘They’re unimaginative and fade into the noise of dating apps’, says Annabelle. As is any negativity, whether about yourself or others: ‘Swipe left if you’re a Chelsea fan’… Finally: ‘Never apologise for any part of your personality, tastes or lifestyle: confidence and comfort in who you are is important,’ she decrees.
I thought my photos were quite cute – smiley and not at all needy, I say, perhaps a little needily. This, Annabelle suggests, is missing the point. On the apps, people swipe in seconds, she explains, so your photos need to communicate three things immediately…
What you look like IRL
What kind of vibe you bring
That you’re real (and not a fake profile designed to scam some poor unsuspecting victim of their life savings)
Where to begin? ‘Lead with a clear, smiley head-and-shoulders pic,’ says Annabelle. ‘No hats, no sunglasses, no filters. Include a full-length image (ideally candid and not posed). And show your personality: a fun outfit; your pet; your hobby; out with friends…’
Group shots are out, especially for your first, leading pic, and so are any filters that distort your face. ‘They scream “I’m not confident” and can lead to feelings of being misled if you actually meet,’ says Annabelle. ‘And don’t hide. If all your photos are from 2012/are blurry/you’re wearing shades, you’re hiding. Don’t.’ Right.
Be honest about your age
I’m honest and unapologetic about my age. Occasionally it seems to be working. A man – his profile said ’43’ – recently ‘liked’ me. It sounded promising till I looked at his profile closely. He was obviously in his 20s and all his bio said was ‘Like ’em old’. Reader, I didn’t marry him.
As for the rest… could my age be working against me? ‘As unfair (and deeply frustrating) as it is, ageism on dating apps is real, especially for women,’ says Annabelle. ‘But that doesn’t mean you need to lie about your age, shrink yourself or mould yourself into something you think people want.’
Her solution? Don’t try to be younger; become clearer on your standards. You can, she suggests, filter out the age-chasers and time-wasters by clearly stating what you want. For example, 'Looking for an emotionally available grown-up.’ It shouldn’t be a big ask. And yet…
Suss the red flags (and the green)
I’m pretty guileless when it comes to spotting red flags - or warning signs - on men’s profiles, but even I’ve learned to read some of the common lines. ‘I’m a father first and foremost’ makes your place in the hierarchy pretty clear, while ‘My home life is a little complicated (I’ll explain if we meet)’ definitely deserves a ‘Happy anniversary!’
Beyond that though, what red flags should I be looking for? First, vague bios, suggests Annabelle. The phrase 'Ask me anything’ implies zero effort from them and a lot of mental labour for you. Bitter remarks (‘Tired of games’ or ‘No gold diggers') points to unresolved issues. And an overemphasis on honesty or loyalty is often code for control or insecurity.
The good news? There are green flags too: green for ‘go!’. ‘If their profile leaves you feeling good, then they’ve probably ticked many boxes,’ says Annabelle, who also suggests giving marks for effort and humour; varied and recent photos; saying what they do want, not just what they don’t; and coming across as human. ‘Sounds odd, but in this age of AI-generated content, profiles can merge into one another,’ she says.
Make your message effective
So you’ve ‘liked’ and/or ‘matched’... Now what? How to make the chat so fabulous that they can’t wait to meet you and, more importantly, you can’t wait to meet them?
For someone who communicates for a living, I’m surprisingly bad at this. One bloke messaged me every morning and every night FOR A FORTNIGHT, but wouldn’t meet. My favourite was when I messaged a man whose profile included a photo of him singing. ‘What was the song?’ asked I. I never found out because he blocked me. (It obviously struck a chord).
I need Annabelle’s help. Leading with something specific from their profile is a good call, she says – despite the song debacle – since it shows you’ve paid attention. Beyond that, she’s a fan of open-ended questions - ‘What’s your most controversial snack opinion?’ - since they invite open conversations and not just yes or no answers. And beyond that? ‘Read their energy,’ she suggests. ‘If they’re short and dry, don’t write them an essay. And of course, they need to match your energy, too.’
Annabelle’s message don’ts:
Don’t use “Hey” or “How’s your day?” alone: it’s 50 shades of beige.
Don’t get too deep too soon: no one wants to feel like an unpaid therapist after a couple of messages.
Don’t open with anything sexual unless they’ve clearly invited that tone.
Try a low-commitment date
Honestly, I have… No. Clue. I think the first date is supposed to be short and sweet. Not unlike me. An hour in a coffee shop, for instance. Long enough to see if there’s any spark; short enough that you don’t fall into a coma if there isn’t. Have I got that right though?
Yes, says Annabelle. ‘Low-commitment dates have the potential to grow into something longer without the pressure. Choose a venue where you feel safe, can hear each other and have an easy exit if needed.’
Anything else? Have a ‘get-out text’ ready to send to a friend, she suggests, just for peace of mind. And think about how the date went once it’s over, not before: ‘Did you feel relaxed? Curious? Drained? Those answers are your clue as to how the date really went.’
Don't take it personally
Online dating behaviour is brutal. There are so many people to choose from, a ‘sweetshop’ mentality develops – and people can be cruel. A friend recently matched with a man and chatted for months. Really bonded. Finally, they arranged to meet and on the day she got dolled up and, really psyched, waited at the allotted place for him. A car pulled up and slowed down, but didn’t completely stop. Window lowered – and the man she thought might be Her Person called out ‘You wear too much f*cking makeup’ before driving off.
How am I supposed to handle this world?! ‘Coping with online dating harshness is easy,’ says Annabelle. ‘Don’t take it personally. Rejection online is often about projection, distraction or poor manners. Very rarely is it about you.’
You can protect yourself, she suggests, with the following formula: ‘Boundaries, low expectations and a sense of humour. Screenshots sent to friends are so therapeutic. And remember: the ones who ghost, flake or insult you are doing you a massive favour – they just weeded themselves out and did the hard work for you.’
As I type from my bed, face mask on and a meal-for-one in the microwave, I might not be the best person to ask. But Annabelle, beautifully optimistic Annabelle, could be… ‘I love love,’ she says. ‘I believe in it fiercely and fight every day for everyone’s right to experience it. Not just romantic love, but the deep, gripping, soul-reviving kind: the sort people think is impossible to have. Love is out there – for everyone.’
The dating terms you need to know
Benching... Like players in sport, daters get benched. You’re not out of the game, but you’re not totally in it
Breadcrumbing... When someone gives you crumbs of attention: just enough to keep your hopes up. (A monthly ‘Hey’, for example.)
Cuffing... Finding a partner just for the cold months – and then possibly getting rid when life warms up again
Love Bombing... A bit too much love and affection in the first few months, resulting in unhealthy, unsustainable idealism - or an emotionally abusive tactic used to lure people in
Ghosting... Abrupt end to communication
Fizzling... Gradually letting you know they’re not interested - fizzling out - by being less engaged and unresponsive
Gaslighting... Denying all the above and making out you’re 'delulu' (that's deluded to Gen X-ers).