Towards the end of 2022 I found myself newly single after an eight year relationship and - despite being a new mum with quite enough on her plate - I decided that the best way to address my broken heart was to get on the dating apps for the first time in my life.
A few years later I’m now pregnant and engaged to a man I met during that experience, so it was a fairly successful experiment. But to my mind, the happy ending wasn’t just about finding a new man, it was about the absolute joy that I found from dating. If you’re newly single you might be nervous about giving it a go. A break-up can massively dent your confidence and after a long term relationship you’ll probably feel very rusty but (at least in my experience) a foray into the dating scene can be just the ticket for a broken heart.
Keep it low pressure
Before I started dating I’d heard a lot of horror stories about using dating apps. Maybe because my expectations were so low, I was pleasantly surprised. Yes, there were some strange people on the apps, but for the most part they were just like me - looking to find a connection and interested to find out about other people.
To keep my expectations low I made sure that my dates were non-fancy occasions, just to local pubs, never planning an over-the-top outfit or letting someone sweep me off my feet. If the chemistry is going to be good, it’ll be good over a glass of wine at a bar near your house, and if it’s rubbish then the stakes are a lot lower if you haven’t paid for a blow dry or bought a whole new outfit.
If you’ve got kids, don’t advertise it
I was dating as a single mother, which comes with its own specific risks and worries. I was advised not to advertise on my dating profiles that I was a parent, because there are predatory people who will target you in order to gain access to your child. Of course this is extremely rare, but it’s an easy way to use caution and protect your family.
Similarly I never let anyone pick me up or drop me home until I’d got to know them well, and opted for a date location convenient, but not too close, to my home. Anyone who pushes you on these boundaries should be blocked.
Be open minded
Given that I was a divorced new mum working her way through a heartbreak, I wasn’t exactly free of red flags. Knowing that on paper I probably sounded like a bit of a mess (and honestly, in reality I was a bit of a mess) encouraged me to be more open minded and non-judgemental about who I was willing to go on a date with. I had my hard limits - I was only interested in people who have a solid career, friends and family who they care about and a stable place to call home - but things like a minimum height requirement or income bracket didn’t occur to me, and as such I met a really wide variety of interesting, clever, kind people, some of whom are still friends.
Look for what you didn’t have before
I had always known that I was bisexual, but I got married to a man I met when I was 22, so the chance to explore that side of my sexuality was very limited. As such I was excited to chat to couples seeking a third party, and other bisexual or lesbian women. You might not want to explore your sexuality, but there will probably be something that your ex partner couldn’t or wouldn’t explore with you, and that’s what you should consider prioritising first of all.
Take it slow
Taking it slow is such boring advice, but it’s (annoyingly) very sensible. If you do meet The One on the dating apps then the search is over, and the search is half the fun. So don’t rush to find the person you can run off into the sunset with, try to stay present and positive about the journey that you’re on, and all the things you’re learning about yourself.
Enjoy it
The number one reason that I hear women having an unpleasant experience of dating is that they don’t actually like dating. It sounds simple, but you’ve got to find the joy in it. Take time to pick an outfit and get ready so you feel confident, plan a couple of questions you want to ask them (there’s nothing worse than a date with someone who doesn’t ask any questions). And try to remember that there is something inherently magic about the idea that someone is getting ready and excited to sit across from you over coffee or wine and learn more about who you are and what makes you tick.
