Is there any relationship more fraught with potential frustration and irritation than that between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law? One 2011 poll, conducted by Netmums, found that 24% of women described the relationship with their partner’s mother as ‘bad’ or ‘terrible’ with common adjectives including judgmental (35%), interfering (32%), controlling (25%) and rude (22%).

It works both ways. When psychologist Terri Apter carried out research for her book What Do You Want From Me? Learning To Get Along With The In-Laws, she found that more than 60% of women (that’s daughters- AND mothers-in-law) admitted the relationship caused them protracted stress and discomfort during visits.

But does it have to be this bad? ‘Most in-laws start on this new relationship really hoping it’s going to work,’ says Terri. ‘So when it goes wrong, it’s rarely because of a lack of goodwill.’ How do some survive with this good will intact? Well, says Terri, there are some secrets to long-term serenity…

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Anticipate a culture shock

Every family has its own, unwritten rule book. Or, as Terri puts it: ‘they all have a number of embedded norms about behaviour. Whose voice counts just a little bit more? How much emotion is it okay to express? How loud can conversations be? How animated? Is debating about differences of ideas fun, or is it threatening?’

Things tend to get challenging when these codes aren’t acknowledged: ‘When you join a new family, of course, you won’t know all their norms. That’s natural. But sometimes, neither party is even aware that they’re behaving in a way that’s influenced by their own set. You think – this is just normal, it’s how things are done,’ says Terri. And that makes it very difficult to understand the challenges that arise. So step one is to acknowledge we all carry odd and specific habits around with us.

Lean into the learning curve

Step two? Successful in-laws not only know there are going to be differences, but are prepped to be responsive to them. How? Terri gives the following example: ‘When I express vehement emotion and I see that it makes them uncomfortable, do I say, “they’re so intolerant! They’re so staid!” or do I step back, take a beat and say, “Oh, I see this is what they’re used to. This is their comfort zone”.’ (Ans: the latter. If you want a happier long relationship, that is).

Don’t roll over

That doesn’t mean you’ve got to bend to all your new family’s rules, however. ‘I really don’t suggest that, or you’ll end up embedding a feeling on uneasiness into your relationship,’ says Terri. ‘I meet a lot of in-laws who say, “Oh, we don’t argue! But it’s very uncomfortable, I’m always walking on eggshells”.’

Instead, if you are able (and assuming your in-law’s behaviour is irritating, rather than downright unacceptable), tell yourself: ‘I’m going to tolerate your little bit of shock in reaction to my behaviour and exercise some sensitivity towards it,’ says Terri. ‘But I’m not going to change myself. I’m not going to tone myself down.’

If you have to be someone else in order to smooth the relationship over, it’s not a good relationship. It’s just the performance of one.

Keep shtum (sometimes)

Just occasionally (in the earlier stages of a relationship, say, or at key pivotal moments such as new parenthood) mother-in-laws can find themselves assuming that their daughter-in-law might want the benefit of their experience (dare we say it, even wisdom). This is sweet. But often, disastrous. ‘She’s trying,’ says Terri. ‘She’s saying: “I’m giving you tips”.’

But this rarely works. Because: ‘The daughter-in-law wants to be the woman with the most knowledge in her own home. One woman told me that her mother-in-law said to her: “You know, you can use this to clean the toilet?” And her response was: “Why don’t you tell your son this?” Sometimes, it’s better to hold your tongue.’

Remember: not everyone’s a hugger

When you sense that your daughter- or mother-in-law is peeved, you might be tempted to double down on the compliments, sweetness or hugs. And it might work. Or… it could have the opposite effect. ‘You’re working from the assumption that she enjoys compliments and intimacy. Because you do! Your friends do! So she must too, right? And so, even when it seems to make things worse, you double down and try even harder.’

Not everyone likes to express or receive goodwill in the same way. Your tsunami of affection can feel overwhelming. Or forced. So what do you do instead?

Don't take it too personally

‘Don’t rush to say: “Oh, she’s so touchy”,’ says Terri. ‘Instead, accept that it’s a learning curve. You’re going to have to work and learn. You learn by taking misteps, and those misteps are absolutely fine as long as you don’t compound them with defensiveness.’

So, if you sense something’s off: ‘just give it a pause. Don’t worry about the little ripples in the family weather, or it can risk turning them into a bigger storm. If you’re really flummoxed by the dynamic between you and how to fix it you can say, gently: “I feel I’ve said something that upsets you. Can you help me out here? And I’m just going to listen.” Then do listen. Instead of saying: “I didn’t meant that”. Say, “Oh, okay. Point taken”.’

Don’t let the men off the hook

‘Realising that you’re no longer your child’s next of kin, that you’ve been replaced, can be hard,’ says Terri. ‘Often, any perceived intrusiveness or nagging from a mother-in-law results from her attempts to reassure herself that she’s still very important to her son.’ So really, it’s the son to anticipate that this might be an issue and, she says: ‘reassure his mother that, yes, things have changed, but he still loves her.’

Sons are also in a position to engage in some compassionate boundary setting, Terri suggests. ‘If a daughter-in-law’s feeling a little smothered by visits, her husband really might be better placed to ring his mother and say: “Mid-week visits won’t work at the moment, but how about lunch on Saturday?’ So she still feels valued and included and his partner gets a little space.’