‘The delivery men arrived but couldn’t get the old oven out so now the new one’s in the garden. Then I got locked out. I thought I’d lost my phone. At least the side return was open so I got in the back door but then we were late!’
I’m standing outside the school gates. Venting. I don’t know this particular mum well, but I’m going through a list of bad stuff. She nods, her eyes widening as I become more animated. When I’ve wrapped up, she offloads her own roll call of doom. Her husband didn’t walk the dog. The dog peed on the rug. She’s been applying for jobs but her CV is being weeded out by sinister AI bots. AI is taking over the world! We part ways. I’d like to say that we feel better, but I know that I don’t. I’m tired. Drained too. Is AI really taking over?
As I drag myself to the gym, I notice the clouds are grey. A fox has upturned a food bin and broken egg shells and banana skins are all over the pavement. The world is definitely a terrible place today. But here's what I forgot... that I didn’t get locked out. That I found my phone and I’m fortunate to be freelance so don’t have to send my CV to anyone today. And I can visit the gym and it’s not busy. Both my kids are healthy. And I’m going to order a delicious coffee as a reward for working out. I’ve forgotten because I’m leaning into my negativity bias.
What is the negativity bias?
At a very basic level, research indicates that we remember the negative things more easily than the positives in life. It’s about survival. I spoke to psychotherapist Hilda Burke who explained: ‘Let’s say in a primitive society we had a bad experience and we saw someone get bitten by a snake. We’re then going to avoid that particular area where the attack happened.' Even if there’s no evidence of a snake being there anymore, the whole area is imbued with threat, she adds, and the aversion to the negative area will always override any nearby areas full of positive experiences. 'Survival is at the root of it', she informs me.
Negative bias keeps us alive! That’s positive! Except when we’re locked into the effects of negative bias, we feel drained, overwhelmed, and depressed. Alarmingly one study even demonstrated that repetitively thinking about bad things is linked to higher rates of developing dementia.
'Our thoughts are the only thing we can control in our life - it’s a muscle we need to exercise via being more present,' says Lydia Johnson, hypnotherapist and founder of the ‘London Clinic of Hypnotherapy. The problem is that the propensity to lean into the negative is also shaped by our childhood. 'Parents can be big influences,' says Lydia. 'If they’re sharing a view of the world which is through a negative lens, we will inherit it.’ I love my mum and she was an inspiration in so many ways, but she was often quick to point out what might go wrong in any given scenario when I was growing up. This is also something I’ve drummed into my own kids (but am trying to work on). According to a study conducted to the National Science Foundation, the average person has about 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day. Of those thousands of thoughts, 80% were negative, and 95% exactly the same repetitive thoughts as the day before. Slightly sobering right!
A recent example of how bad my negative bias has become? I got AMAZING news regarding a writing opportunity. It meant an unexpected trip to the Maldives to write about a new menopause retreat (let me flag that I rarely get these types of assignments). Time away from family! An exotic holiday! For five seconds I felt elated. THIS WAS GOING TO BE INCREDIBLE. Then the familiar negativity. The flight was going to be long! I was going to be travelling for 2 days! What about childcare? And what about my swimming costume? I started ruminating on the long flight, me squashed into my unattractive, highly functional, not very trendy swimsuit, jet lagged, sunburnt, alone, my kids forced to fend for themselves as I hadn’t managed to co-ordinate sufficient childcare (I’d forgotten I had a partner who would be at home).
It was clear the negativity bias was ruining my enjoyment of life. And there's more. The negative bias can also impact on the way we perceive our relationships. Psychotherapist and author Jennifer Cox describes this in more detail: ‘When we're feeling negative in the present, we tend to look to the past and future that way too. So if our partner is frustrating or disappointing us now, we see all of their potential actions coloured by that same mood.
There's a reason why couples therapists advise not to look back, because making change in relationships is impossible if we're hampered by the resentments of then and now. 'Digging deep, and drawing a line under the past by saying, "Starting from now, we need to do things differently" is annoyingly grown-up, but definitely a fast hack to building better dynamics,”’ she says. Negativity bias can impact the way we see the past (only remembering the bad) but also how we perceive the future - only visualising bad things happening, and not taking action because we’re convinced things will only go wrong.
But what can be done? I am not a massive fan of the adage to ‘think positive’ as it feels like it’s just wallpapering over a wall that is covered in damp and crumbling plaster. However, speaking to experts it’s clear that there are things we can do that will help us navigate our propensity to focus on the negative. Here’s a few tips:
Write a list of things you’re proud of
Johnson recommends a particular technique to her clients when they’re overwhelmed by negative bias: ‘Write down anything you’re vaguely proud of - new coffee grinder, helping someone cross the road, or a promotion etc and have an ongoing list that you read every morning or whilst having a spare moment. Our brain will register this into safety and neural pathways will form to support us - therefore creating a kind and supportive culture in our head, this is our home after all and close to the authentic truth.’
Try tapping or EFT therapy
Burke recommends ‘Tapping,’ or EFT to help re-frame your thoughts and to create more balance: ’It’s a really good tool which doesn’t try and superimpose false positivity on top of negativity. When you tap you use a statement- for example - saying something like ‘Even though I feel overwhelmed by X, I still have compassion for myself’. It takes the negative and challenges us to call up something else.’ I make a mental note to try it out (there are a lot of online demonstrations of EFT and a list of qualified practitioners if you want to find out more).
Limit your exposure to news
Burke also recommends limiting your exposure to news if you’re someone who tends to be more prone to negative bias. ‘A car crash is what makes us swivel our heads around as humans. News is predominately negative and we need to manage how much we absorb. Each day think about the news you consume and how it’s contributing to the way you feel.’
Re-think your morning mindset
Researching this article I come across something called the ‘Morning Maximizer,’ devised by bestselling author Robin Sharma. To start the day intentionally write answers to the following questions: 1) What am I grateful for? 2) Where am I winning? 3) What must I let go of today? 4) What does my ideal day look like? 5) What needs to be said at the end (of my life)?
If you’re busy, then you may not be able to answer all 5, but even focusing on a couple can help. The question I found most useful was thinking about how I wanted my day ahead to look. Did I want to be looking at the rubbish on the pavement? Or noticing the sunshine instead? Johnson sums it up best: 'Think of your mind like your home, cultivating the good to promote to others. As saccharine as it sounds - love will reign supreme. The great thing too is it’s catching!’ I love this idea of cultivating the good don’t you?
