Two years ago, author, award-winning podcaster and dating guru Elizabeth Day decided to stop trying for a baby. Over a 12-year period, she’d suffered three miscarriages, tried egg freezing and undergone two rounds of IVF, all of which were immensely challenging - but the latter, she says, was "shaming and judgemental".
In an exclusive interview in Good Housekeeping’s June issue, Elizabeth spoke openly about her unsuccessful IVF treatment, including the reality of what the process entailed, and what she’d like every woman - and man - to know about the process.
"When I started IVF in 2014, I was clueless. I couldn’t find any books that told me about the reality of the process – just loads of mother and baby books. I felt isolated," she says.
"During that 12-year period – which incorporated two rounds of IVF, three miscarriages, egg freezing and operations on my womb – I was treated by a woman once. The first consultant literally said, ‘Oh, you don’t want to have kids anyway. My three were a nightmare in Waitrose at the weekend.’
"The terminology is shaming and judgemental: you’re told that you’re ‘failing to respond to the drugs’ or that you have ‘a disappointing egg reserve’ or ‘an inhospitable womb’.”
Eventually, Elizabeth visited an IVF clinic in Athens, which was run by a woman – and she explained that having a female doctor made a huge difference. "This might be TMI for some readers, but I have a bicornuate uterus, which means there’s a septum across the top. It’s basically a heart-shaped womb with less room for the baby to develop," she says.
"All the male consultants made me feel defective, but the woman doctor in Athens said that my womb was like a beautiful room with some lovely columns that might make it a bit small for a baby, which made me cry.
"And, of course, no research has been done into whether a bicornuate uterus triggers a miscarriage because there’s this sense that it’s not an important enough issue. The argument is that women’s hormones make it more difficult to perform medical research… and many other reasons that are frankly just not good enough. So I’ll never know what caused my miscarriages."
Now, Elizabeth told GH, she’s "at peace with not having my own children", which she owes to the help of her husband, friends and therapy. She also had a reading with a psychic, which proved revelatory.
"My amazing therapist said I should do it. I spoke to the psychic on the phone two years ago," she says. "She said, ‘I feel like you’re grappling with a lifelong desire and you’re wondering whether to let go. If it’s to do with children, I strongly believe that you were a mother of six in a past life. It almost melted you, and this life has been offered to you to live on your own terms.’”
"It was such a profound and meaningful experience; I felt I’d been given spiritual permission to take this weight off and put it down. From that moment on, I felt totally at peace."
It also led to Elizabeth experiencing a burst of creative energy. She’s since collaborated with women-led clothing brand Aligne on a limited-edition capsule collection and written a sixth novel, One of Us, which will be released this September. Elizabeth might have let go of one of her dreams, but the future is looking very bright indeed.
Read the full interview in Good Housekeeping’s June issue on sale now.
How To Fail with Elizabeth Day is available wherever you get your podcasts.
