‘Help – I’m sure I’m about to be arrested for what I’ve put in my school WhatsApp group’

Is tomorrow PE day?

Does anyone have Arthur’s cardigan?

Is Friday a half day?

These are the boring but often necessary questions that crop up in my school WhatsApp group. I should say WhatsApp groups plural. With two daughters, both in primary school, I’m now a member of 6+ school-related groups (this doesn’t count the additional five to six that are dedicated to after-school activities).

Within these groups, parents (I say parents but let’s get real, it’s usually mums) sometimes lose their tempers. There’s often some deep-seated rivalry playing out. Sometimes it feels like there’s a competition to win Mastermind – the specialist subject being, ‘I know everything that is going on at school and you don’t’. Often, the way in which mums talk to one another is not very nice.

Motherhood is tough, and the WhatsApp group is the modern battleground. There’s an underlying feeling of panic – as if the mum who’s typing is running at high speed from a house fire, clutching their Lulu Guinness for Waitrose tote bag, kids, laptop and a box of drawings they never wanted and are secretly trying to chuck into the recycling, on the way to work. Like all online communication, it’s easy to forget that there’s a group of real-life women reading all the responses.

Sometimes there’s frustration aimed at the school (HOW DARE THEY RUN A SPORTS DAY WITH NO WARNING!) Other times it’s aimed at teachers (HOW DARE THEY GIVE MY DAUGHTER THE SAME BOOK TO READ TWO WEEKS IN A ROW!). However, taking to WhatsApp to air your grievances at teachers may soon change, because the Employment Rights Bill is currently being debated in the House of Lords. This could make employers liable if they don’t take ‘all reasonable steps’ to prevent their staff from harassment. This would also mean schools could be sued if parents vent their anger at teachers.

The very thought is enough to send chills down the spine of even the hardest WhatsApp user. I’ve never talked ill of a teacher (I’ve been tempted, but I have friends who are teachers and know it’s a tough gig), but I’ve definitely made sarcastic comments about the short-notice announcements (‘Make sure you bring a shoe box in tomorrow morning’ – an email sent at 6pm the evening before) and how inconvenient the scheduling of certain events feels (why is everything scheduled at 9am when that’s when most people start work?).

The arguments that go on between parents can often be entertaining – as long as it isn’t bullying. One time a mum reprimanded a boy on a school trip because he tried to jump off the Tube and it wasn’t the right stop. A couple of days later, the mum of the boy came on to the WhatsApp group, asking if anyone knew which mum ‘told my boy off’? There was complete silence because we were all scared of this mum and didn’t want to start some serious argy bargy. Sporadically, three dots would appear and disappear. Eventually, someone revealed the mum in question and there was a full-on verbal fight. It felt as if the two mums had forgotten that there were 40 other parents in the group. We all breathed an enormous sigh of relief when someone asked what day was PE and we got back to business.

One of the things I’m personally proud of is that I like to defuse tense situations with humour. I’m a big fan of GIFs as they make people laugh and promote a sense of community. Let’s face it, we’re all mums. We’re doing our best. But on the school Whatsapp, this once backfired.

It was the Year 5 cake sale and one mum was crowing about her daughter’s handmade cupcakes. They were delicious. They were tasty. They had been individually iced to perfection. All the mums were applauding her efforts and I felt triggered because it had been a long week, and I hadn’t made cakes, let alone supervised one of my kids making them. Instead, I’d gone to Londis and bought the cheapest pack of sponges, and emptied them on to a plate (I hadn’t left them in the plastic so some effort had been involved).

But instead of leaving this mum to enjoy her moment in the sun, I sent a GIF of Kristen Wiig from Bridesmaids – the one where she’s drunk on the plane and pulls a sarcastic face to the people in First Class. I felt my heart thundering when I realised that this was a) actually mean b) not okay as it was going to everyone. Nobody had hearted it or typed the laughing emoji because they all thought I was horrible. THEY WERE RIGHT.

From that day on, I felt the Year 5 mums hated me. That’s the thing about schools trying to police WhatsApp groups. I’m certain there are plenty of groups I’m not aware of – groups where mums share how much they don’t like the GIF I sent, and how cheap I am to contribute Londis sponges to the cake sale. Imagine if schools tried to moderate all the comments on all the groups. It would surely be a full-time role (and it would require a good deal of telling people off).

There is a lot of everyday meanness, too. ‘Check in the group description,’ is the retort that puts confused parents in their place (that’s where the PE days are), or ‘Didn’t you read the school newsletter they sent yesterday?’ (As if we all have time to read it). I spoke to a couple of friends about the potential legislation – and the fact it might prompt headteachers to issue of ‘codes of conduct’ on WhatsApp. ‘I don’t think I’d write anything bad on a school WhatsApp, but we all lose our tempers when we’re busy,’ said one. Another (who is a teacher) added, ‘I think it’s good that people are reminded to be kind. Parents are often venting at the wrong people.’

I then spoke to my mum about WhatsApp, and she didn’t understand what all the fuss was about. ‘Why are these groups necessary? Surely it doesn’t matter if you turn up to school and you haven’t got your PE kit? It’s not the end of the world.’ The thing is that the vast majority of messages on WhatsApp are unnecessary. Now and then there might be something genuinely useful. But overall, it feels like the sheer quantity of messages adds to the overwhelm.

What would I include in my own code of conduct if I was to draw one up? Always make a cup of tea before you type a reply. Be nice. Don’t send GIFs unless they’re to close friends. Remember PE day is on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Check the group description.