Emma and Dave Webber’s 19-year-old son Barnaby was killed in a horrific stabbing in Nottingham 18 months ago. While the festive season is a particularly difficult time of year, they tell Jackie Brown how they’re finding comfort by setting up a charity that celebrates Barnaby’s life.
When Emma Webber and her husband, David, were reeling in the days after their elder son, Barnaby, was killed, one piece of advice stood out. ‘A friend who’d also lost a son told us, “Remember, you’re still a family of four; it’s just that one of you is not here right now,”’ says Emma. ‘That really resonated with me. We’ll always be a family of four. I still sign birthday and Christmas cards from Barney. I always will do, because you have to, don’t you?’
Barnaby was 19 when he died alongside his friend Grace O’Malley-Kumar in June 2023. They’d finished their first year at the University of Nottingham and were walking back to halls from a nightclub when they were attacked and stabbed to death by Valdo Calocane. He went on to kill Ian Coates, a school caretaker, and used Ian’s van to run down three other people before being arrested.
The horrific attacks made national news, and it was hard not to be moved by the pictures of Barnaby and Grace. They showed two sporty young people exuding happiness and vitality. The sons of Ian Coates paid tribute to their father who was ‘everyone’s friend’ and had been due to retire a few months later.
In remarkable scenes the day after, the fathers of Barnaby and Grace – meeting for the first time and united in grief – spoke at a vigil organised by the university and tried to offer comfort to hundreds of shocked students, reassuring them and telling them not to be frightened by what had happened.
Dave remembers: ‘The kids were so visibly upset and shaken, I just felt that, even though we were in the worst place you can imagine, I had to let them know that it was going to be all right, that they shouldn’t be fearful.’
Barney’s greatest gift
Nearly 18 months on, Emma and David, and their younger son, Charlie, 17, are now finding other ways to reach out to people. When strangers showed their support by sending money, they decided to set up The Barnaby Webber Foundation, a charity that will help young people facing challenges in life, as well as supporting grassroots cricket, a sport Barnaby loved.
The first award went to Isla Grist, 16, who suffers from the painful skin condition epidermolysis bullosa (EB), which causes her to blister at the slightest touch. The Webbers were inspired by her courage in dealing with her condition and donated money to buy a wheelchair to help her get about more easily.
Talking to Emma and David at their home, which is full of family pictures and where Barnaby’s bedroom is untouched, it’s clear how much he’s missed. The foundation is their way of trying to ensure his loss was not in vain and to create a legacy that reflects what he was like.
‘He was a pretty normal boy on the way to becoming a really lovely adult,’ says Emma. ‘Yes, he was sporty and good-looking and everything, but I think what Barney had was an empathy and a sense of fairness and inclusion. As Dave said in his eulogy at Barney’s funeral, if he liked you, he liked you, and he didn’t care what you looked like, what your background was or what your achievements were.
‘What we’ve realised, with all the stories we continue to hear about Barney, is that his greatest gift was supporting his friends and being involved with people. These are not great sweeping gestures of raising millions for charity or winning big awards. The small stuff is what makes a big difference to individuals’ lives. That’s why a large part of the foundation’s work is to support
young people facing challenges.
‘I think it’s harder to be a young person now than it was in the 1980s or 1990s, because of the prevalence of social media and the expectation and urgency. You’re judged and everything is instant, but the resources are stretched.’
A life cut short
Emma and Dave first met as teenagers, then became a couple in their late 20s and married. Barnaby was born in 2004 and was just a few months old when the family moved into the house in Taunton, Somerset, where they still live. Charlie was born three years later. Both boys went to Taunton School and loved sports – Barnaby excelled at cricket, while Charlie is a standout rugby player.
Barnaby worked hard, did well in his A levels and won a place at the University of Nottingham, where he was studying history. His friend and fellow victim Grace, from London, was a medical student.
‘He loved it so much – in order, I think he liked the friends he was making, the sport he was playing and then his studies,’ Emma laughs ruefully. ‘He was having an absolute ball. Grace was very similar, from what I’ve heard – they were just having so much fun.
‘I never met Grace but they were very close and she was the only girl from university he told me about. I know he thought the world of her because of the way he spoke about her.’
The last time Emma saw Barney was the week before he died, when he set off back to Nottingham to play cricket. Term was over, but he loved being in the city and was spending the last few days there before the summer break.
Emma finds it very upsetting to go over what happened the day Barney died. ‘We have a little lodge in Cornwall, and Dave and I were there while Charlie was on a school outing. I was on a Teams work meeting when Dave came in and said, “Emma, something’s happening in Nottingham.”
‘It had happened in the city centre and it didn’t strike me for a second it would be Barney because the halls are slightly outside. But we couldn’t get hold of him… and then it transpired it was him.’
The family were already driving to Nottingham, fearing the worst, when the police called to break the news officially.
‘I don’t think you can put it into words because it’s such a visceral horror. Often people will say it’s every parent’s worst nightmare, but Sinead – Grace’s mum– has said it’s not every parent’s worst nightmare; it’s every parent’s worst reality. I can think of nothing worse. Your body, your mind, everything goes into shock. It’s as bad as anyone could ever imagine.’
The Webbers have become friends with Grace’s parents, Dr Sanjoy Kumar and Dr Sinead O’Malley, and are also in close contact with Ian’s family. None of the victims knew Calocane, a paranoid schizophrenic who hadn’t been taking his medication. Last January, he pleaded guilty to the manslaughter of Barnaby, Grace and Ian on the grounds of diminished responsibility, and is now being held in a secure unit.
This outcome angers all three families, who believe he should be punished for his crimes. A public inquiry is to be held to examine the events and failings that led to the attack. They want the inquiry to have powers to hold people to account, and have had meetings with Rishi Sunak and, more recently, Sir Keir Starmer to put their case.
Finding their way
Emma, David and Charlie are faced with trying to get on with their lives. They spend a lot of time together, at the gym and walking their dogs, Dougie and Maggie. ‘I hate it when people say this experience splits up relationships,’ says Emma. ‘I saw a therapist who said: “People will tell you lots of relationships split up; they don’t.” He said, “Of course it puts a huge strain on you, but just ignore people when they say that,” and I do. We’re probably closer than ever now.’
Emma Webber
Together, they’re finding new ways to navigate difficult times, particularly events such as birthdays and Christmas. The family always had Christmas lunch at home, around the kitchen table where I’m talking to Emma and Dave now.
‘There’s no easy solution or way to deal with firsts,’ says Emma. ‘They’re awful, but we were given some advice to try to plan – even if these plans go out the window, at least you’ve thought about it. Last Christmas was very tough. We put up a tree but we bought new decorations because it would be too painful to go up in the loft to get everything out. It was always the four of us and, like every family, we have our traditions. To help us through it, we invited some good friends to join us. Barney loved this time of year. He was even particular about wrapping paper – he loved the thick brown paper they use in all the American films.’
This year, the family have tried to find a way back to normality. Dave returned to work, but the grief still hits hard. ‘He was beautiful on the outside and he was beautiful on
the inside,’ he says. ‘He was a very good, loving boy. I miss him every minute of every day.’
Emma has agreed to be patron of the National Bereavement Advice Service, which offers emotional and practical support to people dealing with loss.
‘I want to help other people on the pathway of grief,’ she says. As a family, they’re focusing on developing the foundation and are excited about
the people who’ve rallied round to
raise money. Pupils at Taunton School did a remarkable relay swim across the Channel to raise more than £15,000.
Charlie is also proud of what’s being achieved in his brother’s name. ‘It’s amazing so many people are willing to get involved,’ he says. ‘I want it to give what Barnaby was all about back to people who need it. It’s that simple.’
This year is The Webbers' second Christmas without Barnaby. ‘We were a regular family who loved Christmas and it’s heartbreaking,’ says Emma. ‘We’ll do our best to smile and find some joy because Charlie deserves that, and actually, so do Dave and I.’
Visit The Barnaby Webber Foundation to find out how you can support the charity. GH has donated the fee for this article to the foundation
