This is not a drill (it’d better not be, anyway) as these are the worst gifts for mum this Christmas..

The clock is ticking (like really ticking with 23 days to go) to secure the coveted “favourite child” status this Christmas with your Mum’s Christmas present. Here’s a quick reminder of the gifts you should definitely avoid for her...

A drill

See also: leaf blower

Every household needs a good drill and in February, your Mum may enjoy a trip to B&Q to get a new one. But Christmas Day is not the time for picture hanging. Likewise, a leaf blower. Yes, the unblown autumn leaves may have made the patio lethally slippery but nobody is venturing out to sort that on Boxing Day.

In general, if you can’t use it before 10am on a Sunday morning for fear of disturbing the neighbours, it’s not a good Christmas present. Think Green & Blacks, not Black & Decker.

Handheld sewing machine

See also: ironing board

Nothing says “calm down, dear” like buying your Mum an appliance for a job you’re old enough to do yourself. Don’t say I didn’t warn you if she uses the handy, handbag-sized machine specially designed for attaching buttons “in a hurry” to sew up the top of your Christmas stocking forever.

Coat hangers

See also: Kilner jars, “nice” tins

Loving Dilly Carter in Sort Your Life Out and yearning for a beautiful, well-organised larder and/or utility room with an aesthetically labelled dry goods and laundry “system” is one thing. But these are not treats, they are life goals. Do not, on pain of death, buy your Mum storage boxes, empty jars or coat hangers as presents.

She may have mentioned how nice it would be to have a wardrobe with all-matching ones but to do that properly she needs way more than you can afford to buy which ultimately makes things worse. Also coat hangers are impossible to wrap.

Gin “gift set”

A box containing a big gin goblet with some sachets of dust to sprinkle in your G&T is no use to anyone. Just buy her a bottle of gin.

Jam

Obviously a jar of jam from a supermarket is not a viable present option but beware consumables you can buy from the “gift” section of a garden centre too (unless it’s a really posh one like Burford Garden Centre in the Cotswolds.) “Gift” jam comes in those silly little jars which your Mum will think you’ve stolen from a Premier Inn. If you must go for preserves, handmade is the only way but you don’t have time to attempt this yourself, so you’ll have to source it from your local church or school Christmas fair.

Screen wash

See also: chamois leather, “mitt” to scrape ice off windscreen

If you can buy it in a petrol station, it’s a hard no.

Dog bed

See also: dog lead, dog coat, dog anything

By all means buy the dog a bed for Christmas but don’t try and fob Mum off by saying that’s her present. Dog treats are for dogs. That’s all.

Bath bomb

Every generation has its bath time gifting scourge. The 1980s had “soap on a rope”, the 1990s had “bath pearls”. Now it’s the bath bomb, a giant, fizzing Refresher which gives you thrush and clogs up your plughole with bits of old twig. These will go straight into your Mum’s bag marked “Tombola” so just don’t do it.

Downstairs toilet literature

Probably called “You can’t scare me, I’ve had children!” or “Life’s too short to drink bad wine!”, they’re stocked at the till in Waterstones and cost £6.99 or less. Best case scenario she will read one witticism out while you all open your stocking presents, but by the end of the King’s Speech it’ll be on the shelf in the downstairs loo next to the Beginner’s Guide to Birdwatching book never to be touched again. Genuinely you’d be better off spending £6.99 on toilet roll.

Anything that says Mum on it

Especially not a cushion. She knows who she is, she doesn’t need stick it on the fridge / hang it in the conservatory / write it on a mug.