In the cold sea, my mind is completely still. The rush of thoughts leave my head and I take time to breathe in, breathe out.
I loved swimming as a child – even competing at a national level – but I gave it up when I was 13. I later returned to my old hobby in a time of need.
It was 2017 and I’d spiralled into depression after losing both of my parents in quick succession. I was good at hiding it, but inside I was battling suicidal thoughts.
My husband and I were living in Pembrokeshire with our two children, Jack, now 20, and Katie, now 18. I was convinced they’d be better off without me. Eventually, I sought help by reaching out to my doctor and speaking more openly with friends about how I was feeling.
One friend, Jules, had recently been diagnosed with young onset Parkinson’s disease. In the face of adversity, she wanted to complete a triathlon. ‘Not a bloody chance!’ I scoffed when Jules asked me to compete with her.
I was unfit and in my late forties. There was no way I could start exercising now. But Jules persuaded me otherwise. Besides, I admired her bravery and I wanted to support her.
On our first dip, we stayed in the sea for far too long. When we clambered out, we were so cold that we couldn’t speak. We fell about crying with laughter.
Despite training, Jules and I came last in the triathlon a few weeks later, but we didn’t mind.
I was even inspired joined a local group called The Bluetits Chill Swimmers. I’ll always remember my first swim with them. The sun was setting on the surface of the water and it cold, flat, and calm. From then on, I swam most days.
Swimming became a source of comfort, even when I split from my husband in 2018. I felt fitter too. By the time my 55th birthday was approaching, I wanted to set myself a challenge. I’d dreamed about swimming the channel as a child. Better late than never, I thought.
Not many swimmers are accepted to swim the channel, as dedicated crews must accompany them on boats. When my application was accepted for July 2023, I was thrilled.
I trained for months leading up to my channel swim. At first, I was scared of the deep water, but other Bluetits members gave me the courage to keep pushing myself further.
The Bluetits founder, Sian Richardson, took me for long swims off the Pembrokeshire coast, where I’d be in the water for hours at a time. In the winter months, I trained in a swimming pool, clocking up as much as 70km a month.
On the big day, I travelled to Kent, where a crew collected me in the early hours of the morning. As we set off from the dock, I felt nervous about the daunting task ahead. But then I saw a boat called ‘Lily’, bobbing in the distance. Lily was my mum’s name – that instantly soothed me.
As I started swimming, I encountered hundreds of jellyfish, but I remained focussed. Sometimes, the water felt more like treacle to swim through, with currents pushing against me. In some places, it was 350 feet deep!
When I felt like giving up, I reminded myself it was just one day in my life. The crew were always beside me on their boat, supporting me and keeping me safe. Three other swimmers didn't finish that day, so I felt grateful to the crew for motivating me.
Reaching the French shoreline, I felt my eyes fill with tears. The swim had taken 16 hours 25 minutes, but I had done it. I felt so proud.
I’m living better at 55 than I was at 35. Life is very different now. I don’t struggle with my mental health, and I look forward to what’s in-store next. Whenever I’m faced with a new opportunity, I take it with both hands.
