For many of us (and my hand is somewhat unwillingly raised here) sorry is not, actually the hardest word. Instead, the phrase we find truly, excruciatingly, toe-curlingly and often just impossibly difficult to utter is the following: I was wrong.
Yet a growing body of research suggests that getting comfortable with those words could really pay off for us stubborn mules. In fact, it may be the secret we’ve been searching for when it comes to loving and lasting relationships.
‘Intellectual humility’ is the very dry phrase used by researchers to express an actually pretty fascinating and (for me at least) evasive quality: the extent to which you’re able to recognise that your views may be wrong, and might need revising. It’s a slippery thing to measure, but one man who has tried is Mark Leary, Garonzik Family emeritus professor of psychology and neuroscience at Duke University. In one study, he asked adults to think about all of the disagreements that they have with others – from stand-up rows to minor squabbles – and then estimate how often they’d been in the right.
An overwhelming 82% said that, in fights, the other person was usually wrong, not them. Only 4% felt they were right less than half of the time. I’m happy to concede that I may be wrong one per cent of the time. At most. If I’m being generous. But is my brilliant self-belief actually holding me back?
“The more you adhere to the beliefs you have without questioning them, the less certain you can be that you’re right,” psychologist Dr Linda Blair tells me, counterintuitively. “There is no such thing as absolute truth in science,” she reminds me. As our scientific understanding develops, so does our picture of how the world works. “The truth always changes, so the only way to be right is to stay up to date with, and engaged with, challenges to our views,” she says. Touché.
To be right, then, I may need to concede, just occasionally, that I’ve been wrong. I do very much want to be right, but I also want to be loved, and it looks like intellectual humility helps here, too.
One study found that after just 30 minutes of interaction, people rated those high in intellectual humility more positively than those who were low in it. Why? “Well, in order to challenge your views, you have to listen with care and without prejudice,” says Dr Blair. “And when we’re listened to that way, we automatically like the person doing the listening. All of us want to be affirmed, after all.”
Intellectual humility is not only useful to those in the speed dating game, however. A 2017 study found that people whose partners rated them as high in intellectual humility were also seen as warm, friendly and generous – all traits associated with relationship success in the long term. In fact, for those of us long settled into steady relationships, the trait could be even more important, says psychologist Dr Sandra Wheatley: “it’s one way of making sure that things don’t go stale. Because you’ll still surprise your partner with your evolving views.”
Surprise them more, but argue with them less, perhaps. A 2016 study suggested that intellectually humble people devote more time to reading about viewpoints that challenge their own. They are much more interested in understanding why people disagree with them, rather than digging their heels in and doubling down on their own (ahem…)
“Being adaptive has always been vital to our survival, it’s a very good skill to have,” says Dr Wheatley. Not only during an argument, but in its aftermath, too. A 2020 review of four different studies suggested that people who were higher in intellectual humility were also better at picking themselves off, dusting themselves off and moving on, instead of sulking (ahem, again…)
So practise saying it with me: I was… wrong?
Rate your own intellectual humility
Wondering how intellectually humble you are? This General Intellectual Humility Scale, developed by Mark Leary and his team of researchers, will give you a clue. Just rate how well each statement describes you, on a scale from one to five (from “not at all like me” to “very much like me.”) Points mean prizes (or a good score, and decent intellectual humility, at any rate).
- I question my own opinions, positions, and viewpoints because they could be wrong.
- I reconsider my opinions when presented with new evidence.
- I recognize the value in opinions that are different from my own.
- I accept that my beliefs and attitudes may be wrong.
- In the face of conflicting evidence, I am open to changing my opinions.
- I like finding out new information that differs from what I already think is true.
