Having struggled with panic attacks, Cecelia Ahern thought becoming an author would allow her to retreat from the world. Instead, she was forced to face her biggest fears. Here, she explains to Bethan Rose Jenkins how she learnt to take control and achieve her dream career.
It was only the induction day of my master’s degree, but I knew I wouldn’t be coming back. My film production tutor explained I’d need to present a five-minute talk the following Monday. Immediately, intense nerves set in and panic corkscrewed in my gut. Nowadays, most people would recognise the signs as anxiety, but mental health wasn’t spoken about as much in the 90s. I knew was there was no way I could stand up in front of everyone - so I dropped out the course.
I’ve always been an extroverted introvert. I loved alone time, happy to watch from the sidelines while writing and journalling in private, but I loved performing and could be sociable, too. At 18, I even had a record deal with a band called Shimma, but we were dropped when we didn’t get chosen to represent Ireland at Eurovision. At the same time, I was studying journalism and media communications at Griffith College in Dublin. When the band ended, my performer side faded and the introverted part of my personality came to the forefront. I put my head down and focused on studying.
What to read next
Then, at 19, I began having panic attacks. I’ll never know exactly why they started, but it was the fear of having one – even though I didn’t have them very often – which became most obstructive. After a panic attack on a bus for example, I was scared of getting on buses anymore in case it happened again. I stayed home a lot and retreated further into myself.
A psychologist taught me breathing exercises – ones I still use now – to try and control the panic, nerves and anxiety, but it wasn’t enough to prevent me dropping out of my Masters. I’d already started writing my first novel, P.S I Love You, so when I left the course, I focused on completing it. Back then, I was most creative at night. I was on a crazy schedule of writing from around nine or 10pm until six in the morning.
My parents saw how dedicated I was, so they were very supportive. My mom encouraged me to send three chapters to a literary agent, who went onto to sign me. Within weeks, I had a publishing deal. It was remarkable and I thought, great! I can have a brilliant career while staying home and writing on my own. I can live through my fiction and don't have to go into the world and do things which terrify me.
Of course, that isn’t how life works. Instead, I found myself in big meeting rooms at 21 years old - the youngest person in the room. I wanted to have my voice heard but was nervous and intimidated. At one of my first sales events in Germany, I was supposed to sit at the front facing everyone, but I turned my chair around like one of the audience. I didn’t even have to give a speech, but I hated feeling everyone’s attention on me.
However, I quickly realised that it wasn’t going to be possible to avoid facing the real world altogether. For people to know about my book, I needed to publicise it. I was overwhelmed by my first press appearance - a Friday night TV show in Ireland – and was extremely nervous, but I understood I’d have to face what I’d been running from if I wanted to be successful.
I kept up the breathing techniques to calm my nerves ahead of further events but, for the next two or three years, getting up in front of people was still incredibly tough. Although I was travelling regularly to different countries and appearing on stage almost weekly, the nerves never disappeared. I knew I just had to do it, but that didn’t stop me from hoping something would fall through and I’d be off the hook!
The support from readers as my books sales climbed and I secured more publishing deals (I’ve written a book a year since P.S. I Love You) lifted me in so many ways. In a twist of fate, writing had forced me into the world, instead of letting me hide away. I went from my mom’s house and college to this big career, but my confidence was always a few steps behind. Gradually, it caught up.
Over time, I’ve learned mechanisms to handle my nerves better. Breathing is still the most important tool, on the day as well as in the lead up. Instead of a ticking countdown in my head saying, ‘I can’t do it, I can’t do it’, I now spend the weeks before a daunting event in the fresh air, doing exercise and filling my head with positive thoughts. It’s a holistic change of mindset. It doesn’t mean I don’t still get nervous, but I’m a far cry from the girl who had to travel with her mum or boyfriend, and would be up crying the night before an event. Now, I’ll fly to Australia or Argentia solo and will attend events alone.
I’d say the panic attacks and fear over the years has made me more understanding, though - you never know what someone’s going through. So many of us are waiting for a sign to tell us what to do, but don’t take action to make those things happen. Women, especially, often put others’ dreams first, and lack the confidence to go for what they really want. The lead character in my new book, Paper Heart, is the same. Pip has dream she’s too scared to make happen and, while her experiences don’t stem directly from my life, I connect to her fears about taking up space in the world and using her voice. I think many readers will too.
And even I still doubt myself and get nervous, but I’ve learned to talk to myself like I’d counsel someone I love. Before events, you’ll find me in the loos, looking into the mirror saying, ‘I know you can do this.’ As much as other people support you, you have to be the one to believe in yourself. In the end, it can only come from you.
Paper Heart (Harper Collins) by Cecelia Aherne is out now.
Five ways to Banish nerves
Clinical psychologist Dr Catherine Wikholm and the Cofidence Coach Tiwalola Adebayo share their top tips.
- The five senses technique
‘Name five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell and one you can taste,’ says Dr Catherine, to root you in the present. ‘This helps shift your brain from “threat” to “safety” mode.’
2. Embody Lion Theory
Rise: ‘Write a list of 10 strengths for moments of self-doubt,’ says Tiwalola, who advises reading them aloud to help them resonate.
Roar: ‘Even if your voice is shaky, it’s okay to admit you’re daunted. Honesty – or something funny - often breaks the ice,’ says Tiwalola. Body language is also communication, so think about posture and eye contact.
Hunt: ‘100% readiness is an illusion,’ says Tiwalola. ‘Nerves are a sign you’re about to do something important, not that you’re incapable. Go for it.’
3. Progressive Relaxation
‘Systematically tense and then relax muscle groups to relieve physical tension,’ says Dr Catherine. ‘For example, clench your fists, hold for five seconds and then release.’
4. Cognitive Reframing
‘When you have an unhelpful, negative thought, consider the evidence behind it, and then come up with a balanced alternative,’ says Dr Catherine. ‘Reframing the sensation as excitement or activation can have a big impact on how you experience it.’
5. Shake it off – literally
‘Move nervous energy through your body through dancing, star jumps or swinging your arms,’ says Dr Catherine. Before events, Tiwalola says she dances to her favourite Beyonce track.
