11 Techniques Successful Couples Use When They Argue, According to Relationship Therapists

You know the drill: You start out with a disagreement about your next vacation and you wind up in a fight about how you don't spend enough quality time together. Unfortunately, this bad habit prevents you and your partner from ever getting to the root of an issue.

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“When we fight, we need to fight about one thing at a time and we need to stay on topic,” says Dr. Appleton. The best way to ensure this happens, she says, is to call out whenever a conversation starts to veer off course. If a different issue keeps coming up, set aside a separate time to talk about it. Once you resolve the first issue, you can address a new one in a different conversation.

When you're feeling angry or upset, it's easy to point fingers and say things like "you do this" or "you do that" — phrases that inevitably put your partner on the defensive. Soon enough, instead of a healthy, constructive conversation, your disagreement will devolve into a blame game — and that's neither helpful nor productive.

Instead of using language that places the blame on your partner, reframe the conversation to how a behavior specifically impacts you, says Dr. Appleton. An easy way to do that is to use "I" statements. For example, instead of saying, "You make me angry because you don't listen," you can say, "I feel upset because I don't feel heard right now."

Make sure you're not simply tacking the words "I feel" onto every sentence, either. These can often be "you" statements in disguise, says Jennifer Goldman-Wetzler, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Optimal Outcomes: Free Yourself From Conflict at Work, at Home, and in Life. Instead, follow the words "I feel" with an actual emotion that you're experiencing, whether that's frustration, anger, disappointment, or something else.

Similarly, another common mistake is using generalizing terms — words like "always," "never," "every time," and similar phrases that exaggerate the situation. Not only will these hyperbolic terms lead to a defensive response from your partner, but they can also overwhelm the two of you with a feeling of powerlessness, or a sense that the problem is too big to solve.

As tempting as it is, it's best to steer away from absolutes like "always" and "never." Instead, try to keep your focus on what you're feeling and experiencing in the present. By explaining how you feel in this specific instance, you can address the current issue, rather than dredging up the past in an unfair way.

If you do catch yourself wanting to make generalizations, try using less extreme words like "sometimes," "occasionally," or "at times." This often lends itself to a more candid and constructive discussion and can help soften the statement to make it feel like less of a personal, all-out affront on your partner.

Though you may not be entirely aware of it all the time, your body language can convey a lot — especially when you do things like cross your arms, roll your eyes, clench your fists, or point your finger at the other person. These closed-off behaviors can unintentionally communicate that you’re not open to the conversation. They can even convey a sense of aggression toward your partner, which can ultimately make the argument more volatile.

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Rather than letting your body language convey negativity, try to use it to your advantage to better communicate the point you’re trying to make. You may, for example, want to talk with your hands out and open to show that you’re receptive to the conversation. Make sure you also maintain eye contact; this shows your partner that you’re giving them your full, undivided attention.

Criticisms are bound to show up in any relationship — but it's when they're voiced in a non-constructive way that problems arise. Some of the most common mistakes? Framing your grievances as a harsh verbal attack against your partner's character, or doing so without offering any acknowledgment of their merits, efforts, or good qualities.

To engage in criticism that's constructive, focus on your partner's specific behavior, not their character. Additionally, instead of voicing a criticism by itself, Dr. Appleton recommends trying what’s called “the confrontation sandwich."

In this technique, you sandwich the confrontation in between words of praise and encouragement; you might, for instance, start your sentence with "I love you" or "I care about you," before going into how you feel about something. Then, you can finish with something like "I want to figure this out together, how can we do that?"

When arguments become intense or emotionally charged, it’s easy to resort to swearing, insulting, or even calling your partner hurtful names — but this bad habit inevitably does more harm than good, says Dr. Appleton. “When that happens, it’s a shutdown of communication,” she says. “You're not fighting about the topic anymore — you're attacking a person's character and you're attacking who they are.”

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Instead of resorting to insults and name-calling, take a proactive pause to notice what you're feeling, says Dr. Goldman-Wetzler. “Being able to notice your emotions, and slowing yourself down even for two minutes or five minutes a day, can help to prevent you from getting bent out of shape or from doing things that you'll regret later in the heat of the moment," she says.

Sometimes disagreements creep up at the most inopportune times, but that doesn't mean you should hash things out then and there. Maybe you’re out in public or you're with the kids — whatever the reason, engaging in a fight in these situations can often result in added distress, embarrassment, and shame, which can escalate an argument even more.

If you and your partner find yourselves having frequent fights, try setting a designated time for the two of you to talk about everything that’s on your plate. That way, you can ensure that everyone is prepared and ready to walk into a serious conversation, says Dr. Appleton. “Part of fighting is you need to do your own work, you need to have your own self-reflection,” she explains.

Specifically, you might want to schedule a time for when the two of you are alone and in a private space — especially if you have kids — in order to ensure that others around you won’t be impacted by your argument. If you can’t find a private space inside, try taking a walk, says Dr. Goldman-Wetzler. “Sometimes sitting across from each other is less helpful than taking a walk where you're both facing the same direction and outside in nature, which can be more calming and comfortable,” she says.

There’s nothing more counterproductive than arguing with your partner when one or both of you is not in a good headspace. Unsurprisingly, you’re more likely to lose your temper or react negatively to a conversation when you’re stressed, exhausted, hungry, or have been drinking.

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A good way to check if you're ready to have an argument, says Dr. Goldman-Wetzler, is to consider Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs — a psychological theory that says basic physiological needs should be met before people can pursue more advanced needs like love and belonging. Specifically, before you start getting into a difficult conversation, you should first ask yourself: Am I in a good condition and mental headspace to talk about this right now? Have my basic needs been met? Have I slept well, eaten well, exercised?

“If you haven't done those things, you should not be trying to have an argument or a tough conversation,” says Dr. Goldman-Wetzler.

Whether we intend to or not, sometimes a fight can escalate to one or both sides yelling, raising their voice, or losing their temper — which is often a sign that a fight has reached its boiling point. When this happens, it's very unlikely that the conversation can move toward effective problem-solving.

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Though walking away from an argument may seem counterproductive, a brief time-out can actually be beneficial. But instead of simply leaving the room in the middle of a fight, make sure to clearly explain to your partner that you need a few minutes to calm down and decompress, and acknowledge that you will come back and resume the conversation afterwards, says Dr. Appleton.

"There needs to be that communication of, we've realized that this is not going anywhere healthy, we've realized that we do need to talk about it, but let's put parameters in," says Dr. Appleton. "And I usually suggest for my clients, if you're gonna walk away, it cannot be more than 24 hours — you need to address it soon, because then it just gets swept under the rug."

Though it's important to take a break when you need one, it's just as important to not shut down from your partner — which can often look like giving the silent treatment, refusing to talk, or physically leaving the room, says Dr. Appleton. "When couples stonewall, it shuts down the conversation and makes it impossible for either person to feel seen or heard," she explains. "It takes away a chance for a resolution by no longer making the fight one that is fair."

One way couples can challenge this bad habit is to ask each other to collaborate on ways to find a solution rather than continuing to highlight problems, says Dr. Appleton. Instead of giving your partner the cold shoulder, make an effort to directly communicate your feelings. And if you're the one who's getting shut down, make sure to let the other person know how you feel, says Dr. Goldman-Wetzler. "Let them know the impact of the situation, or their behavior, on you," she says. "Then make a request about how you’d like things to happen in the future."

And of course, if the reason you're walking out is that you simply need a break to cool off, be sure to clearly explain this to your partner instead of wordlessly walking away.