About 12 years ago, I learned that my husband was cheating on me. When I confronted him, he explained he’d had an affair because he “wasn’t happy being married” and that “family life wasn’t for him.” When we divorced, I became a single mom to our two boys, who were just 2 and 3 at the time.
For years, I kept the truth a secret from my boys, who are now teenagers, so they could continue to have a positive relationship with their dad. But a few months ago, their dad’s girlfriend got angry with his cheating ways and let loose. “Your dad cheated on your mother — and he cheated on me, too!” she screamed to my kids.
Suddenly, they knew the truth. I thought I’d have been relieved or felt lighter somehow. But instead, my thoughts spiraled. Could cheating be a learned behavior that children grow up and repeat? Or — worse — is cheating hereditary, passed down from generation to generation? Most importantly, how can I prevent my kids from following in their father’s footsteps?
I set out to better understand the factors at play. According to the 2022 General Social Survey administered by the University of Chicago, 20% of married men cheat on their spouses, while 13% of married women cheat. Some reports put those numbers even higher. Reasons vary, with the most common motivators being anger, low self-esteem, feeling neglected by their partner or simply opportunity — say, a business trip or a chance encounter at a bar.
While delving into the research, I ran across an interesting 2014 paper by Australian researcher Brendan Zietsch. He looked at sets of identical twins and siblings and asked them whether they had cheated on their partners. It turns out, identical twins, who share the same DNA, had almost the same levels of fidelity, while other siblings didn’t. Zietsch concluded that DNA is, in fact, a factor.
I reached out to him directly for clarification. "Identical twins cheat at a somewhat similar rate,” he told me by email. “But yes, nonidentical twins and siblings don’t, which points to a genetic link.”
If this DNA is shared between twins, can it be passed down by parents? “That’s a bit complicated,” Zietsch says. “It suggests that if your parents cheated, there is a slightly higher likelihood that you will cheat. But only slightly — it’s nowhere near deterministic.”
I pressed him further. If he had to assign a number to it, what role do genes play compared to environment? “We don’t know what role environmental factors play. But our results suggest that genes vs everything else — including environment — contribute about 50% each to the likelihood of cheating.”
“So,” I asked, “will my boys grow up to become cheaters?”
The answer is not necessarily. “We always have a choice with these kinds of things,” he says. “The genetic inclination may make the desire stronger, but it doesn’t mean you have to act on it.”
If Zietsch, who is no longer focusing on this area of research, believes genes account for half of our behavior, what environmental factors make up the other half? I asked Sandra Harewood, a psychotherapeutic counselor, couples counselor and coach in the U.K. She wasn’t aware of any studies that definitively claim children will have affairs because their parents did, she told me by email. “However,” she says, “there is considerable evidence that suggests children who grow up in environments with unhealthy relationship patterns are at an increased risk of replicating those behaviors in adulthood.” She adds this is especially true if they haven’t had the opportunity to process or resolve the impacts of their experiences.
“From an intergenerational perspective, we may 'act out' patterns of earlier generations, unconsciously recreating relational dynamics from our families, especially if there's unresolved trauma or unmet emotional needs from childhood,” Harewood says. "We repeat the same behaviors or relationship patterns because of things we've hidden inside ourselves. These patterns may be harmful, but they're a way our unconscious mind tries to get us to face things we haven't dealt with.”
So how do we deal with the trauma of an affair? For this, I turned to Rick Reynolds, a marriage counselor and family therapist in Austin, Texas. Reynolds admits to having cheated on his wife Stephanie. Even though they reconciled, he has spent the years since providing services to tens of thousands of couples and families through as founder and president of AffairRecovery.com.
“My kids were 15, 18 and 21 when they found out I’d had an affair and they all reacted differently toward the news,” he says. “Being able to talk to them about the incredible pain I caused and to have the chance to model better behavior helped them overcome what happened in a healthy way.”
It seems that having an open dialogue can help heal wounds. “More than genetics, developmental trauma creates an unconscious pathway that can lead to infidelity,” Reynolds says. “So if parents handle the situation in a way that kids aren’t traumatized, it actually creates a barrier and allows them to grow and create a better path in their life.”
Reynolds gave me some advice to help me talk to my kids:
Be authentic
Let them know how painful it was to be betrayed and how hard you had to work to overcome the experience. “Tell them you don’t want them to do that to somebody and you don’t want them to have to go through something like that,” Reynolds says. “But make it a hero story about resilience, rather than being a victim. Show how strong you are to have moved forward in a healthy way.”
Keep kids out of it
If the affair is fresh, “let them know they’re safe, that you will both be there for them, but that it’s not their business.” In other words, establish boundaries, and don’t use your kids as therapists or pressure them to take sides. Put their mental health first and let the adults be adults.
Regulate your own emotions
“Don’t blame, badmouth the other parent, show resentment or leave in the middle of the night,” he says. “That’s where potential damage happens.” said Reynolds. This is an opportunity for parents to teach by example and model the ability to make responsible choices. “It’s about preserving their mental health and putting kids first.”
I kept these things in mind when I spoke to my boys. I let them know that their father’s affair was the most painful thing I’d ever experienced, but that I worked hard to forgive him and move forward. I told them that they had inspired me to live a full and healthy life, because happy parents can lead to happy kids. And I told them not to worry because it’s not exactly hereditary.
“Don’t worry, Mom,” one of them told me. “I never thought it was."
*Lauren Whittler is a pseudonym to protect her family's privacy.
