My kid’s age gaps first hit me at my oldest child’s fifth-grade back-to-school picnic. Some of the families there had pre-teens. Others had preschoolers. And a few had babies. Ours was the only one that was soon to have all three. As it happened, our second child arrived when the first was 6; the third arrived four years later, meaning my oldest and youngest have a 10-year age gap that made for more than a few years of busy days, sleep-interrupted nights and lively chaos.
I worked hard to juggle the needs of each of my kids: I ensured that my youngest didn’t spend her life in a car seat while shuttling the older kids from one activity to another, worked to help my middle guy make peace with the realization that he would never ride the school bus with his older brother and made time to talk about middle school life with the older one, who was both excited and anxious about starting that the next year. I noticed moms with kids closer in age doing their own juggling acts: multiple kids in diapers, overlapping friends and activities for each child that always seemed to be scheduled for the same time. Had we all missed the magic of some ideal number of years between kids?
“There is no optimal one-size-fits-all number of years between kids,” says Erin Futrovsky Gates, an individual and family therapist in Rockville, Maryland. Studies have not yet found a magic number of years between siblings that allow for the perfect family harmony.
While there is no set ideal spacing, there is such a thing as a wide gap. “I typically consider it a wide gap when you have kids in different developmental stages: infancy/toddlerhood, elementary, pre-teen, and teen years,” Gates says. But these gaps are not uncommon: According to the most recent CDC data available, as reported in a 2023 paper by Kelly Clark Young for Utah State University, 30% of parents have kids spaced 4 or more years apart, a figure that includes nearly 5% of families with kids spaced 10 or more years apart.
But what does that mean for my kids? Gates notes “the possibility that there can be less sibling rivalry, so less competition, because they’re at different developmental stages, they’re not competing for friends, toys, attention or privileges.” This can give the older child an opportunity to have a more mature relationship with their parents, while the younger ones get what they need as they “engage in age-appropriate activities like parent/toddler music classes or sports,” she says.
I’ve seen this play out in my own family. As I grew confident in my ability to wrangle kids with different developmental ages, I had time to find ways to give each child their due. For my oldest, that meant watching an age-appropriate mystery series together while the others were asleep. For the middle guy, it meant leaving ample time at school pick-up, so we didn’t have to rush out the door without a moment of transition, which was tough for him. For the youngest, it wasn’t difficult to schedule “Mommy and Me” activities for when the older kids were at school.
One issue that concerned me from the start was how my kids would ever find a way to relate to one another as siblings rather than older, younger, and youngest. This is backed up by the Utah State University study, which notes that the youngest "caboose" children commonly brought up themes of lack of lived experience, a wish for greater emotional connection and a time-consuming search for identity. It’s a challenge, Gates agrees. “Widely spaced siblings may not have as much in common, especially if their interests don’t align,” she says. “As they age, this has the potential to shift — age gaps don’t tend to matter as much in adulthood.”
With my kids, I found that part of relating as siblings came in the form of the built-in cheering sections formed by the gap in years. As the younger kids each learned to walk and talk, the older kids acted as enthusiastic supporters. When the older kids’ sporting events proved interminable, the younger kids weren’t as happy to participate in the moment, but they were more than happy to celebrate any successes with cupcakes at dinner. Especially because they were so far apart in age, celebrating each other’s successes came naturally and free of intra-family competition. I was also happy to see that helping each other through disappointing times, united them as a sibling team.
There was also a sense of teamwork in finding ways to hang out together. My oldest had waited a long time for siblings. He had plenty of ideas for things to do. It started with him sitting on a bathmat — a magic carpet — with his younger brother in his lap having imaginative adventures and progressed to creating a starship control center out of the family room furniture. The younger kids suggested things they’d like to do, too. The result was that my youngest kept lookout for enemy vessels from her playpen while the middle guy acted as navigator on his “console” and the oldest set the scenario. One day, I looked in to find the dog in a seat of honor beside the navigator. Her role? To bark if there was a loss of cabin pressure.
I had to make sure I kept their ages and stages in mind. With kids at different developmental milestones, Gates says, “It’s important to treat each kid in a developmentally appropriate way. Even though your 6-year-old may seem so much older and be expected to act differently than your 2-year-old, they’re still 6.” This hit home for me because, despite what I had considered laudable efforts to get it right, my kids memorably let me know when I had missed the mark. The first time, my oldest pitched a near-tantrum at 6 when he felt that his younger brother wasn’t taking it seriously enough when I corrected him. The 14-month-old had dared to laugh, not understanding the gravity of my discipline. I was shocked that my oldest couldn’t see that someone so young his knees didn’t even clear the car seat wasn’t mature enough to understand when he was in trouble; it took a second look at my oldest for me to recognize that it was something he couldn’t see because he was only 6. The situation had rubbed against his 6-year-old vision of justice and fairness, and I had to be compassionate.
We also had to keep their interests and abilities in mind when planning vacations for the whole family. It was daunting at first, but we found solutions. One was to give everyone disposable cameras so they could focus on what interested them individually. Our best trip was to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It had been a long week, and I needed to be anywhere other than home, surrounded by to-do lists and laundry. On an impulse, I loaded everyone in the car and headed to Cleveland. Each of my kids found something there to share with the others. For the oldest, it was an appreciation of “Enter Sandman,” for the middle guy, it was the movie about the history of rock and roll. And for the youngest, it was a complete infatuation with all things Elvis. All three still consider that our best-ever adventure.
But what about me? By the time my youngest child arrived on the scene, I often found I was the oldest parent — or the only one still pushing a stroller at older kid activities. It made it difficult to create a community. “Connection with other families helps us feel like we can manage hardship and have people who have our backs,” Gates says. “Parenting can be hard work. When there’s a wide age gap, sometimes we need to work a little harder to make those authentic connections.” With the demands of activities, work and being in the moment with each kid in the way that child needed, it felt impossible to take on another task during child-focused times. I found my strongest friendships through online classes that took place outside of family or child-focused activities.
Ultimately, there are no hard and fast rules, optimal age spreads or tricks that work every time for every kid. We’re all juggling and gaining confidence as we go. I found that family time, flexibility, a good sense of humor and the ability to embrace the chaos went far for my family configuration. I’m grateful for my family of five. There are even quiet days, when all three kids are out of the house, when I find myself missing my lively team.
Gina Hagler writes about parenting, STEM topics, Social & Emotional Learning (SEL), and history. KidWrite! -- her family-friendly Language Arts program -- has activities and ideas that parents can use to raise word-loving, avid-reading, confident-writing kids.
