When my daughter was a baby, it felt like I was constantly reminding well-intentioned relatives to keep everything out of her crib. No, she doesn't need a blanket, I'd say. Or a pillow. Stuffed animals would find their way onto her mattress, and I'd toss them back out again. The fact that her little arms would sometimes wriggle through the bars did not mean that she needed crib bumpers.
It turns out, safe sleep was my No. 1 parenting non-negotiable. I knew the rules from the American Academy of Pediatrics, and it didn't matter how many times someone gently suggested that a blanket or a stuffed animal might make for a better night's sleep — nothing was worth the risk. (And now that she's older and can sleep with a blanket and pillow safely, I'm equally annoying about using a booster seat and a seat belt in a car.)
It's up to each caregiver to determine their own lines in the sand. Some may be sticklers for discipline, others have strict bedtimes and some families prize kindness over all else. I asked parenting experts of different backgrounds for their non-negotiable parenting rules. Here's where they drew the line.
1. Nothing comes above safety.
Turns out, I was right on the mark when it came to insisting on safe sleep and car seats: Safety should always be a top priority. "This may include instructing a toddler to not touch the stove, requiring a child to look both ways before crossing the street, holding a caregiver's hand in a busy parking lot or wearing a seatbelt in a vehicle," says Alisha Simpson-Watt L.C.S.W., B.C.B.A., L.B.A., and founder of behavioral health practice Collaborative ABA Services. "Maintaining non-negotiable parenting rules involving safety reduces the likelihood of risk of injury to themselves and others, and helps develop personal safety skills and responsible behavior while fostering independence skills.”
2. Take time to connect every day.
Even if it's just for a few minutes of no-phone interactions, those moments build. "Make it a priority to talk, read, and play with your child every single day!" says ParentCo's Aimee Ketchum, O.T.D., O.T.R./L., C.N.M.I. "Early brain development depends on these interactions and they are the foundation to lifelong self-confidence and new learning."
3. Set a house rule: First do no harm.
Taking others' feelings into account is an important part of empathy, and it can be taught right from the beginning. "In our family, we don’t intentionally cause harm — physically or verbally," says Ash Beckham, LGBTQ advocate, diversity and leadership educator, and author of Step Up: How to Live with Courage and Become an Everyday Leader. "We’re an active bunch: we play hard, we banter hard and we love hard. But setting clear boundaries around physical actions and words is essential for creating a home where everyone feels safe and trusted. As the boys continue to grow, having this red line helps us navigate more complex topics like empathy, consent and the nuance of impact versus intent, all within a framework everyone understands."
Devon Kuntzman, P.C.C., author and founder of Transforming Toddlerhood, lives by the motto that all feelings are welcome, but not all behaviors are. "It’s important for [kids] to be able to feel and express the full spectrum of emotions, even if those emotions make us feel uncomfortable," she says. "Young children express their feelings, emotions, needs and desires through their behavior. It’s important to welcome all emotions and set limits on unsafe behavior. Then once your child is calm you can teach skills for other ways to communicate in a more appropriate way. 'It’s ok to feel mad and I won’t let you hit me.'"
Marea Goodman, a licensed midwife and founder of of PregnantTogether, says asking for permission is the key. "As a queer parent to two young boys, helping them understand consent and respecting other people's bodies, as well as their own, is something I take very seriously," they say. "And this teaching goes beyond them to the whole family system. I work with my kids on knowing how to ask for consent when playing with or greeting someone, and support them to express their own physical boundaries, like only giving hugs when you want to."
4. Hold the boundaries you set.
Empty threats and white lies don't benefit anyone — parent or child. "It’s important to only set limits you are willing to help your child follow through on," Kuntzman says. "If you set a limit then retract it when your child has a big emotional or physical reaction to the limit, you accidentally teach them that the rules you set are negotiable based on their behavior. This creates more power struggles because your child will continually test your limits because they aren’t sure if you will follow through."
"Boundaries are sturdy fences, not stretchy bands," agrees Amy Vale, expert in foster parenting and founder of For the Cubs. "When water splashes out of the tub, bath time gently comes to an end for the day — clear cause, loving effect. Children truly thrive with the reassurance that comes from consistent, predictable boundaries; these create a safe space where they can explore and grow with confidence. And I've learned through experience that when I've softened on these boundaries, even with the best intentions, both my child and I end up feeling a bit lost."
And when the boundaries are crossed, it's also important to keep anger (and other elevated emotions out of discipline. "If we punish out of our emotions, we teach our children to navigate our emotions rather than control their own behaviors," says Rachel Gunn, author of Impact Parenting. "Giving discipline when we're angry creates an inconsistent and fear-based environment. As much as possible, stay calm and create teachable moments by focusing on the behaviors you would like your child to change."
5. Remember the Golden Rule.
"Do unto others" is timeless parenting advice that always seems relevant. "As early as the toddler years, children begin to understand that other people share their world and have their own needs and rights," says says Petal Modeste, host of Parenting for the Future podcast. "Explaining to them the 'Golden Rule' — that in every situation, they should treat others the way they want to be treated — is critical. Teaching them this rule early in life helps them develop the empathy that will allow them to be kind, to treat others with respect and dignity, to practice honesty and eventually develop a strong moral compass."
"My one non-negotiable rule as a parent is to treat yourself and others with respect," adds Sarah Bossio, sleep expert at Your Zen Baby Sleep and ParentCo. "My husband and I are raising strong, independent, kind and empathetic young girls who not only respect us as their parents, but respect other adults and peers alike. Even more importantly, we want our children to respect themselves and understand the value of self-worth."
Marisa (she/her) has covered all things parenting, from the postpartum period through the empty nest, for Good Housekeeping since 2018; previously, she wrote about parents and families at Parents and Working Mother. She lives with her toy-collecting husband and daughter in Brooklyn, where she can be found helping out her team at bar trivia or posting about movies on Twitter and Bluesky.
